I haven’t ranted on here in quite some time, but I feel like I really need to get this out.
Last year I was seeing a guy on and off for about 8 months. It was on and off because it was awful. I got really hurt. He toyed with me, would want me one minute and would ignore me the next. I was so head over heels for him that I waited around every time he forgot me, because I knew that when he came back he would be sweet to me. We both wanted to badly to be in the other persons life but it was so difficult. We had incredible chemistry but awful timing.
The last straw between us was when he drank and drove. I have lost too many people in my life to drunk driving and I have absolutely no tolerance for it. On Canada Day over the summer his friend drank and drove at a party. He sat with me in his lap crying my eyes out about how awful it was, how hurt I was. He sat there and told me it was beyond my control, not to worry, that it was awful, that he would never. That night, after 3 bottles of wine he got behind the wheel and drove himself and 2 of our friends home on one of the busiest nights of the year.
All of this is fine, he hurt me, yes. But I have moved on. To have someone you care about and who says they care about you betray you that harshly. To have them do something that they know is going to hurt you is really heartbreaking.
One of my best friends was there for me through every twist of this. I told her about everything he did, how he broke my heart. There was many a coffee date devoted to me ranting about him and how insane he drove me.
After hearing everything she had about him, and sadly, after a semester of us growing apart because life gets hectic. She started dating him. As much as I understand we haven’t sat down and had a conversation in ages, I thought she would at least respect me enough to tell me herself. Instead I found out in the bathroom of a bar from someone who is nearly a stranger to me.
This is just one of many experiences where a friend has hurt me. I feel as though nearly all my girlfriends from high school actually turned out to be horrible friends. I couldn’t be more happy to have my Pi Phi sisters because I know they would never do this to me. As much as I barely talk to her anymore, and I have cut him out of my life, it still hurts. That is not something that a true friend would do. I’m so shocked that she would do that to me.
Pi Beta Phi Ontario Gamma is in the process of getting recognition from our university :)
Currently we are unrecognized, a long with the other fraternities on campus (we’re the only sorority/womens fraternity on campus.)
The presidents of Pi Beta Phi, Delta Upsilon and Alpha Epsilon Pi (all of our fraternities, we have a small greek system here) met with the VP of student affairs and has agreed to allow us to run events on campus.
I couldn’t be more proud or excited for this huge step for our chapter.
We haven’t changed since the way we were this summer.
Our hearts have grown lonely and our friendship has grown stronger
You ponder the idea of you and I while I dance around it flightily
You have proved yourself to be a knight in shining armour
Still in my mind I have stuck the one time you proved to be a villain
But I can’t seem to let go, I always come back
Even if I don’t try, I end up beside you
You’ve proven yourself as a friend time and again
So I’m going to take the risk this time
If your going to be somebody’s heart break
Tomorrow I initiate to the Ontario Gamma chapter of Pi Beta Phi
I couldn’t be more excited <3
This has been a really rocky semester for me
Pi Phi has kept my chin up through all of it
My sisters are the most genuine and kind hearted girls I’ve ever met
I couldn’t be more thankful for my big
Who encourages me and whipes my tears
I couldn’t be more thankful for the amazing family I’ve been blessed with
And all the new members who have been on the journey with me
Not to mention that Saturday is our 15 year anniversary
So I get to meet so many alum!
We’ve also traced back our family trees
All the way back to the founders of our chapter
Pi Beta Phi was by far my best decision this semester
I can’t wait to get more involved in the chapter.
I’m so thankful to have these girls in my life
<3 Pi Phi Love & Mine
Body Paragraph #1:
Most of the Body:
The Final Body Paragraph:
When the apology first came I was shocked
Never in my life had I heard such a grand apology
You said I deserved better, that I could do better
When I told you about the feelings I had
I could tell that it hit you in a way I hadn’t expected
You said you wished you’d known
That you never felt like anything special to me
I guess a part of me will always wonder
What would have happened if I had been honest
You said you couldn’t turn around and see me in a new light
Not right away anyways, I told myself we’d take things slow
But I think we shouldn’t have been so naive
Nothing was going to change about the way we saw each other
From the begining it was very flirtatious
Your hands innocently resting on my waist
Tracing your fingers along my hip
Reminding me how good I looked, and smelt
When I hesitated you re-assured me
You didn’t want to hurt me
We made promises to be honest with one another
You said you wouldn’t push to far, but of course you did
I felt myself wading into dangerous territory
But the thrill felt good, so I kept on going
You wanted me but not the way I wanted you
I wanted to give myself to you in whatever way possible
I danced around the idea of you and me
Hoping that maybe I could make you want more
You said you didn’t want to be alone
I didn’t want to be alone either
But we thought of alone in different ways
I can’t make you trust me, or want me the way I want you
I settled for the little bit you could give me
Now my bed smells like you, it haunts me when I sleep
I’m weak and deserving only of what I will give myself
I got so good at pretending not to love you
It was so easy when I was distracted
But thats all he ever was, I hope you know
The minute I see you it comes rushing back
All of a sudden I miss you even though your right there
I’m jealous when other girls flirt with you
I love you all over again
I miss all the little things about you
The way you look at me between kisses
The way you tell me theres no sense in worrying
The way you want to be there for me
I know I’ll never stop caring for you
Not until I’ve tried everything I can for you
The more I live the more I learn, and I’m still learning every day
Many people have told me that I’m naive with my heart
But I would rather live a live of oh well’s that life of what if’s
If I get hurt, so be it, I will pick myself up and dust myself off
I will learn to heal and to move on
At least if I take every chance I get, then I will have less longing
Less regrets, less wishes for rewinds and do overs.
I may be naive, and I may be hurt
But I’m not bitter, and I’m not jaded
I still put my heart out there when I can
Thats what you taught me, to take every chance
To feel as deeply as you can
The greater the risk, the greater reward
Even if the loss is just as great
You’re my only regret, the only thing I wish I could do over
I know that if you ever come back to me
Asking for another chance, a chance to make things right
That I would give it to you
But him, he missed his chance, we’re over
I told him the minute I felt like I was getting played
I was gone, done, that was his second chance
But once again I got played, and now I’m gone
I may be naive, but at least i’m not bitter
I’m so exhausted of the chase, the games and the tomfoolery.
I want it to be straight forward, a little more clean cut and defined.
Theres something about the way you smile, about the way you cross my mind
About the butterflies I said I’d never have ever again
Your so on and off, hit and miss, hot and cold
One minute your happy just to stay the night beside me
Lingering hugs and making sure I’m alright
The next minute you could barely care, unresponsive, nearly catatonic.
I love when were on and I hate when its off
I don’t know what you want from me thought
Do you want to be with me? Do you want this to stay as it is
I need something, anything, I need to understand
Or at least figure out how to sleep through the confusion
My natural instinct now is to cling onto something for dear life.
Every time things gets hard I find a buoy that will keep me afloat.
I feel like maybe I don’t even know how to swim anymore.
Your supposed to wade in and be careful in the deep water.
But somehow I always end up in over my head, looking for a lifeline.
Its like at pools, they tell you not to dive in head first because you can hit your head;
And everyone knows that when you hit your head in water,
You get concussed, and then you drown if theres no one to save you.
I always thought I was careful, not diving in head first.
I’ve never been one for jumping before looking,
And by looking, read: over-analyzing every aspect.
But somehow, I’ve still gotten head down in the water
Hardly amble to keep myself afloat or breathing.
I swam for so long, keeping my head above water
Ducking beneath the bigger waves, but making my own way
Then I thought someone had saved me.
I thought I had found my lifeguard in the sea.
Turns out he was drowning even worse than I was.
Somehow he fooled me into thinking he was stable
But now I’ve completely forgotten the motions of swimming
And I was clinging to anything remotely buoy-like.
I’ve found someone else who is drowning now
And I know I can’t swim all that well, and neither can he
But maybe together we can figure something out
Now were holding onto each other
In this big wild choppy ocean
And hopefully we can help each other stay afloat
Who knows, maybe we’ll find an island or a buoy for us both
But at least I’m not alone in this big ocean anymore
On the third day we had to be early risers. We woke up at 6, packed everything up. We had brakfast and went downstairs to get a cab. We cabbed over to the university with two other girls from the conference. When we got there we had coffee and muffins then sat down and got to business.
The first speaker of the day was a presentation on how to portray our message to the media. She talked about everything, newspapers, twitter, blogs even. She talked about crafting our message, or finding reporters who will do it for us. She talked about getting an in with a reporter and board room meetings.
We had another amazing lunch, ate to our hearts content then got right back down to business.
We got into working groups and set out to work on different projects. We spoke in french about a mentorship program. There was a girl there speaking Metis french, Hatian french, Quebequois french and immersion french. We all understood each other and corrected each other. I realized how glad I was to be able to speak in two languages. How important it was that I not loose this ability.
We ended the day with a discussion. Of all the things about the weekend that we loved, that we could improve, that we wished there was ore or less of.
One girl told us a story of how in her culture, (she is of Native Canadian decent) the women take care of the community. They are given control over the food, the money, and ultimately the distribution of all of it. They know the community best, and they know how to care for it. She said this isnt about the women having control. It isnt about them wearing the pants in the relationship. It is simply the role that the creator put them in. This is the role they were intended for.
Another girl told the story of her cousins recent murder. She was killed by her boyfriend (which one or two women are every week.) She said that she was so angry, but that this weekend had given her a way to focus her anger, and she was extremely grateful for it.
Many of the women in the room talked about how they were going through tough patches in their lives and that this weekend was exactly what they needed. All four undergrads were in awe, saying they were inspired, overwhelmed and thankful for having experienced this. Those were the most common words around the room, inspired, excited, thankful. The undergrads were also told that they were inspiring. We were told not to get down on ourselves about law school, we were told that we were inspiring, strong young women. We took a picture all together, and then it was time to leave.
Everyone said goodbye, emails were exchanged, best wishes were said. Then we grabbed our bags and left for our respective planes, trains, busses and taxis. And so it came to an end our weekend. But it is not over yet.
The working groups are still working on our projects. We are all taking back our skills and knowledge to our schools to help in different ways. We will all carry this weekend and the skills it gave us through the rest of our lives.
We awoke ourselves early to get ourselves out of the hotel and to the University on time. Stuggling to open our eyes and get out of the cushy hotel beds. We awake, eat something quickly and run out the door. We hail a cab and ride over to the University. Waking from a hotel and hailing a cab all feels terribly sophisticated. We arrive at the University and everyone is talking, eating and drinking coffee. We all straggle in and then sit down to begin. We start the day by going around the room and talking about who we are, where we’re from and what we’re doing. Racheal and I are two of four undergraduate students in a room of twenty-one young women.
We go around the room and I feel overwhelmed by the presence of such inspiring young women. They are all activists in their own respects, most of not all of them consider themselves feminists. They are heads of organizations, treasurers and chairs on boards. They are all active in various aspects of activism and law.
We then begin to talk about the organization that has us all here. The history, the relationship between the organization and our work on our own campuses as well as an initiative that the organization is currently working on.
When talking about the history we talk about the current government has cut funding to the organization and how they are struggling to hold their organization together with the little funding they have.
We then go around the circle again and talk about what each of us is doing at our own schools, what each of us has to offer and what else is going on at our school in the way of feminist practices.
Lunch begins and we have yet another amazing meal. We sit around and share stories of activist work, fundraising work. We have conversations about who we are and where we are from. They ask me what I want to do, if I’m heading towards law school like they are. They offer me guidance and knowledge and hints and help. I’m overwhelmed by their kindness and how willing they are to help me with my path.
We get called back to action. We get presentations from 4 amazing women.
Cindy is the first, she speaks of her work with aboriginal children. She tells us stories that you would have to have a steel heart not to feel compassion for. My heart aches for these poor children. She talks about our priviledge and how that can lead us to offers of deals behind closed doors. She talks about how those deals can seem seductive because they give you so much power. She warns us against them, she asks us to keep our dignity and our integrity.
“You are the most powerful when you have nothing to lose.” She tells us, speaking of our current situations. She urges us to work now because we have little to lose and everything to gain in experience and knowledge.
Sheila then speaks to us and talks about our accountability. She says as future lawyers we are accountable to the vulnerable groups we represent.
Then we are spoken too by two women about lobbying parlement. We are told of how personal relationships can be good and how we can use them to get what we want heard. They reiterate however that we are still accountable. They say that finding the balance is hard, but necessary.
We are then spoken to by two different practicing lawyers.
Karin speaks of her own feminist practice. She speaks of her client base, of how she treats cases and how she chooses clients. She talks about her experience and her work. She asks us question after question. She challenges us to think.
Anne speaks to us of writing factum. She is excited to be sharing with us her favorite thing. Its a strange favorite thing, she admits. She says to look at the factum as your own personal time with the judge. She talks about the different ways you can write to persuade different beliefs while still pretending to be neutral. She talks about cases that she is proud off.
The day of the conference ends and Rachael and I decide to walk part of the way home. This wasn’t the best idea as the really cute shoes I was wearing were heals. (Read: not ideal for walking extended distances on slushy sidewalks.) We walk and walk vainly trying to find our way to a restaurant that was recommended to us by a girl at the conference.
We finally give in and hail a cab. We march into the restaurant at the hotel and are promptly forgotten about by our waiter. We wait and wait and finally get service. A hearty steak and a long island ice tea (to quell the pain in my feet of course) and then we are satisfied (read: stuffed to the brim.)
We wander our way up to our room and change into comfy clothing. We do schoolwork, peruse the internet. Rachael calls her boyfriend and decorates a mug for his valentines day present. I watch Criminal Minds.
We curl up with pillows in my bed and watch an episode of Glee before we climb into our own beds to go to sleep. Much needed sleep for another busy day ahead of us.
Spent the day mostly on a train. Arrived at the station early in the morning only to have our train delayed by 40 minutes. When it arrived we walked out into the brisk winter wind and boarded the train. We found our seats and i promptly dosed off with music playing in my ears. The train jolted me awake every few minutes, but then we had arrived in Toronto. Due to the late arrival we didn’t have an hour lay over, but 20 minutes. We got aboard the next train and headed out shortly after that. This train was much longer. I emailed about housing and leases, about school and checked every social network I was a part of. Dozed off again, then was awoken to our train stopping. Another delay, a freight was broken down between us and our stop. Another 40 minutes and we are on our way again. Past lake shores that looked like meringue, the ice forming in waves on the shore. Factories and houses tucked into the hills and shores and forests.
We made our way finally rolling into Ottawa. Met a girl on the train from our conference. We all cabbed it to the hotel, then quickly checked in. By quickly I mean yet another fiasco, we must be 21 to sign in, we must have a credit card. Madeline signs for us, I put down my credit card for both Rachael and I and were off. We whip up the elevator, drop everything in our room then whip back down to hail a cab.
Off to the university for our dinner. We meet all these amazing women and I feel dwarfed by their talents and successes.
The woman who cooked us an amazing feast of vegan, whole food delight is a business woman turned restaurant owner, the first ever in the food olympics (first woman and first vegan chef.) She talks about her passion for the environment and the health of our generation. How GMOs are causing our children to become obese and diabetic. She has such a passion for what she does.
Julie stands up and introduces the first speaker, tells us all how excited she is to see us all here, how excited she is to see what we bring to the table. She tells us that education and hard work can be lonely, that we have to rely on one another for support and comradery, she means every word.
Martha stands and speaks, moving us all with her words of the terrain of equality, and inequality. The law as something that must be formed and reformed, followed and fought . She tells us our battle terrain is anywhere we choose it to be.
Anne stands up and introduces the next two women as people who she is inspired by. Shes speaking of these women who are her colleagues, but also her heroes. She’s tearing up in her accented english.
The stand is then taken by Karin, the leader of a feminist law group in Ottawa, one of the only of its kind in Canada. She speaks of the battles we fight and how we must choose what we believe in. She speaks of doing what will allow you to still find compassion and caring in yourself. She speaks of all the characteristics that make us who we are, and that allow us to respond to law.
Then she gives the stage to Suzanne Bouclin, a profesor of law. SHes flustered and overwhelmed. She talks about how as an academic she lives in an ivory tower. That people say she is the opposite of an activist, and she admits that to a degree she is. But she sees the real world too, the homophobic slurs, the embarasment a student feels when humiliated by a prof. She says she wants to take away the capital P in professor and the miniscule s in student. She says that what we bring to the table may be more than her life experience ever has. She believes we can all teach each other. She’s so excited about her newly held position to make these things happen that she nearly moves herself to tears when sharing her feministo as she calls it.
We drink wine and eat dense vegan chocolate cake. We mingle and talk. I tell Suzanne and Karin how much the moved me, how they nearly had me in tears. How excited I am to be here witnessing and participating in all of this.
Julie pulls us aside at the end of the night and asks us to please ask all the questions we need to, want to and can. To clarify as much as we can and ensure we understand as much as we can. She wants us to take in as much as we can, she says that if it takes hours for her to elaborate she is more than willing to take the time. She begs us to not be scared of sounding unsure, that we are first year undergrads and we aren’t expected to know everything, but she wants to teach us as much as she can.
We leave and we adventure downtown. I get compliments from a homeless man. We nearly get lost a couple of times Rachael and I, but we make our way to Rideau Street and the Canal, Winterlude is in full swing, dance parties, ice sculptures, beaver tales, skating, you name it. We ask strangers to take our pictures and they kindly oblige every time. A man dancing yells “I’m so free” I tell him I love that hes free and he tells me I should be too, and to have an amazing night.
We get in the cab back to the hotel. Take warm showers to defrost ourselves. Wrap ourselves in our warmes comfiest clothes and tuck ourselves in for the night (with free Winterlude hot chocolate in hand.)
The first night has already been the experience of a lifetime. Theres such a sense of support and friendliness that I never thought was possible. These women have such passion for what they do, for human rights and for equality. They are beautiful in there power and their success.
And to think, this is only day one <3